It’s weird to be so aware of the different voices in my head. They are always there, but sometimes they are a lot louder and more chaotic than they NEED to be. I might not be as crazy as I sound…I don’t know. I simply view them as different aspects of myself who seem to be “in charge” at different times, and fight with each other a lot: like over-tired, sugared-up kids at a daycare.
After several very tumultuous days of nightmares and not sleeping well and really heavy and overwhelming emotions, I find myself feeling almost normal and calm, this week. The version of myself that I think of as the “Wise Woman” has shown up, thankfully. She is calm, and peaceful…and quietly, confidently powerful.
She’s the part of me that, if I believed in magic, would be the Crone, the Earth Witch…having lived many lives and learned many lessons, she is quiet during most of the storms, and seems to know that they will pass. She is patient, and waits for me in the garden. When I arrive, she smiles, pats the stool that just happens to be next to her, and invites me to sit a while and feel the breeze on my face while the sun shines on my back.
In The Garden
She goes about her work without saying much. She seems to be there just to receive me – like she has been part of me for a long, long time and finds all of the explosive drama and temper tantrums just kind of humorous. Her silence invites me to look at what has just happened through a different lens. She’s open to hearing the story, but she really only wants to know what I have learned. She gives me permission to just let the rest go in the breeze.
So I revisited my post from last Friday, and the nightmares and “little shop of horrors” that my brain served up over the days before and after that post. Emotions so big that it felt like I couldn’t survive them. Self judgment couched as acceptance, fear of loss, grief and despair and more fear…these all seemed to be ALL that there was.
But, there was more. Emotions are great teachers, and great healers. I did learn, in fact, when my dream mind seemed to take over and process stuff I was simply not willing to face consciously. I feel more at peace, now. I also realize I will not die from that pain…in fact, for now anyway, I seem to have released it.
Re-reading The Past
In reading through last Friday’s post now, I can gratefully acknowledge that not only can I withstand that level of emotion…but it can be cleansing. I realize I am not the fool, after all. I can even, through my “Wise Woman”, understand the courage I had to even try to love. Loving someone IS courageous, for all of us. It is dangerous territory in the best of circumstances, and mine were far from the that.
I feel my Wise Woman feeling proud of me…nodding in her quiet way as she sits and tends her garden. She has a knowing look on her face. A look that says “This was necessary…you needed to learn.” I’m still a little frustrated that it had to be such a long and painful lesson, but she chuckles at even that. It makes me wonder what else she knows that she’s not telling me.
I can breathe, and rest, and know that I can’t stay in this space. No matter how much I want to, I know there are more storms to come. More upheaval and emotion, and as much as I WANT to settle here, in this peaceful garden with my Wise Woman self, I have to keep going.
My job now is to get up, and move on, and take what I’ve learned and put it to good use. To embrace my Wise Woman and accept that she may choose to go silent again. I look forward to the time in my life when she is in charge more often.
Wise Woman Observes The Committee
The other voices at my table can get kind of loud and insistent and often make a lot of noise and chaos in my mind. They fight for control, and the loudest often wins, which doesn’t always feel good. They argue with each other a LOT, and don’t give over leadership to one in particular easily. They ALL think they should be in charge.
I think my voices, my internal committee, is perhaps a little more defined and discordant than is necessarily “normal” or objectively healthy. On the other hand, when I think of them like that, instead of getting lost in BEING whichever voice is in charge, it helps me maintain perspective. If I can hold myself somewhat separate, I can view them all as advisers, some more effective than others.
For instance, one of them smokes. It’s true – she’s also the sexiest one of them, which is odd to me. She’s the aspect of myself that speaks in low tones and chuckles a lot and is a brunette for some reason, and she smokes and drinks Scotch and KNOWS things…she has seen some shit, people, and is not fooled easily. But she is a little jaded.
The aspect of me sitting next to “The Sexy One” is VERY buttoned up. “The Controller” wears a pin striped suit and glasses and desperately wants to control everything that happens. EVERYTHING. She gets VERY upset when the rest of the group gets out of hand, but she won’t let herself show it. Her lips just press more tightly together and she clears her throat a lot and really just INSISTS that everyone settle down and pay attention.
The sexy one thinks the controller is funny and likes to mess with her. A lot. But they are friends, and if the controller is ever really threatened the sexy one calls on “The Warrior”, and they protect the controller. They think she is cute, and they aren’t going to let anything happen to her. After all – who would do the filing? It doesn’t’ matter that no one can ever find anything, someone still has to DO it.
There are a few other players that are part of the committee that are hard for me to make out right now…I don’t know if they had stronger voices in the past, or are waiting to speak up at some future date. Only now, however, do I notice that there is a CEO type, at the end of the table. Not my Wise Woman – she’s just sort of sitting on the side observing, still oddly in her garden AND at the table at the same time.
The CEO is kind of…serious. That aspect seems relatively androgynous…although I almost referred to them as a “he”. But in really paying attention I realize they are not gendered at all. The CEO seems to carry a lot of weight on their shoulders…they kind of tired. They are kind of grey and a little hard to see – as if I’m looking at them through a mist.
They seem to know that there is more work to be done, though.
As I watch, they look at me. As our eyes meet I realize they SEE me. The others seem unaware of my presence, but the CEO knows. They nod to me, silently, seeming to accept their fate.
Perhaps for a moment they were thinking that it might be time to retire, and let one of the other voices take over. None of the others really want that kind of responsibility though.
Then they take a deep breath, and seem to come alive. They take on color and form in a way that they hadn’t a moment before. They are still hard to define or describe – as if they are an amalgamation of many faces and personalities. They shimmer a bit, like a crystal reflecting light, rather than displaying a particular color of its own.
I become aware that the Wise Woman used to be in charge, but she is in her retirement now. She gets to stay in that garden and relish the peace of a job well done, and still be present to advise and love and encourage and support. She doesn’t have to be responsible for it all anymore, though.
Bringing The Team Together
The CEO has come back to direct this gaggle of geese in a semi-orderly direction. The other aspects at the table haven’t noticed the CEO’s presence quite yet.
When the CEO clears their throat, the others DO quiet down. They hadn’t actually realized that no one had been in charge for a while, although some of them had wondered where in the heck the CEO had GONE. They really like it when the CEO shows up, because good leadership makes everything so much easier.
“Thanks, everyone, for agreeing to meet.” Their voice is quiet and loud at the same time, resonating and reaching each of the aspects easily and clearly. The other’s settle in with a sigh of relief. The aspects know they can relax, now, and just listen.
“I know you all have important jobs to do, and I’ll let you get back to those shortly. As you know, we’ve been in a bit of a crisis…lots of external upheaval and a few threats to our integrity. I apologize for my absence – please know that it was necessary. I just want you all to know that I’m back, and here to help you navigate what’s coming up. We can all get back on track to work TOGETHER toward our goals.
Things will be smoother if we remember we can work together as a team. Keep our common goals in mind, and support each other as best you can. We ARE all one, after all…even if different expressions of that one.
I realize our goals have not been clear for a while, but there have been some developments of late that should help with that. I can’t share all of the details at this time, because I don’t KNOW all of the details, but I have faith that we will all get the information we need as soon as it is available.
Meanwhile, keep up the good work, remember that you are not alone, and use the resources at your disposal to help you do the best job you are able. Feel free to consult with our Wise Woman, or myself, any time you need direction or assistance.
Again, thank you for being here, and let’s make it a great life, OK?”
The aspects at the table applaud, cheer, turn to each other with broad, relieved smiles. The panic has abated, for now, and they all seem to have relaxed. Even “The Controller”. Everyone quiets down, breathing easier, relieved to have some direction again. NOW things will really start moving forward – they all anticipate some real progress. As long as they can all remember to support each other, treat each other with respect, and rely on each other when they need help.
It’s about teamwork, people.