I can’t write. My mind won’t focus, I’m too stressed and in too much pain. I find myself typing a few words and then noticing how much my neck hurts or my back hurts or my arms hurt, blah, blah, blah. I told a friend recently that it seems like I can write consistently even when things aren’t going well, and then my body started screaming pain signals at me, which I think means my body is trying to prove that it can win and stop me even from writing.
Well, F*(& you, body, because I’m writing anyway!
So I’ve been working on writing every day since the beginning of the year. I haven’t written much on some days, and I’ve written a lot on others. I probably write about 3 to 5 times as much as I actually post anywhere. Some of it is too “heavy”, or too personal, and some of it is just too crappy!
My goal, however, is to post SOMETHING at least twice a week. That seems like a good number – I get annoyed if I get too much in my inbox from blogs that post multiple times a day, so I don’t want to be THAT blogger. I figure if I ever get to posting every day, once a day will be my absolute maximum output for any one blog.
BUT – I am considering having a couple of different blogs and trying to make money by doing freelance writing and content editing for other people.
Being Poor Sucks
I have no idea if this will pan out. Being poor is weird, especially now that I’m older. I feel really stuck in it – like there is no way out so why even try, I’ll be dying soon anyway!? I am having such trouble with focus that I can’t seem to make any significant progress toward any one goal. I keep flitting about like a butterfly, first sure that THIS idea will solve everything, and then THAT idea, etc.
My kidlet thinks I need to talk to someone about ADD or Bipolar or both, and if I can get on medication maybe that will help. I am struggling with that, because medication has been such a bad experience for me in the past. I want to fix everything with how I eat, but I don’t seem to have the energy or focus to really make those changes. For people who don’t struggle with pain, fatigue, AND focus problems, I imagine all of this sounds like a big, fat excuse. Just DO IT, right???
Sometimes I really want someone to swoop in and save me, except that’s not actually what I want at all. When I’m really tired and in pain, I love the idea of some magical “summer camp” where someone else does all the cooking and makes healing, healthy meals and I can soak in a hot therapy pool and get massages and do very gentle stretching with some assistance, and after two or three months of this, my body and soul are renewed and I can go back to my life with enough energy and focus to continue. That’s what I mean by someone swooping in and saving me – just some magical time when I can let go and JUST focus on healing without any other distractions or life stresses getting in the way.
I feel like if I could have that – a few months to just make changes, with the assistance of someone to help until I have enough energy to do it on my own – then maybe I could pick up the reins of my own life, again, and start to remember who I really am.
What I Really, REALLY Want
Because what I REALLY want is to be independent again. To make my own money and take care of myself without assistance. To be able to live on my own and not have to worry about whether someone else is going to be there to take care of me. Dependence is a terrible trap, and I hate it SO much.
There are so many changes I want to make, that make sense conceptually. All I can seem to muster, however, is the desire to make those changes…not the energy or focus to see them through. So I just dream, or stress, or spend some other useless time in my head, thinking about things, but not able to do anything REAL about them.
I keep telling myself to take small steps. Baby steps. Yesterday, I ate a mandarin orange instead of jelly beans. Steps like that. I actually really WANTED asparagus and mashed potatoes and a salad, but I did NOT have the energy to do anything about that. There are dirty dishes in the kitchen from the last time I cooked, and things have been piling up for a couple of days.
Doing Laundry Sucks…But Dirty Clothes Suck MORE
I need to do laundry, but that is down two flights of stairs that in my current condition are torture. Each step a knife through either my hip or one of my knees – or multiple knives. Doing that while carrying a laundry basket and the soap, AND needing a hand to keep myself from falling if one of my hips gives out… Well, in the midst of depression, fatigue, and pain – the thought of making it down and up those stairs for the 3 trips involved is just too much.
But I need clean clothes. I need a clean kitchen – I really, really hate a dirty kitchen. I like it to be absolutely SPOTLESS before I start cooking. I mean…seriously, you have no idea how clean I want things to be. Even when I was healthy and strong, I couldn’t get things clean enough! Often that meant totally ignoring the mess, because it was impossible to make it how I really wanted it.
I really WANT clean and healthy food! I mean, when I think about the food I want to eat, it is always really good, healthy food. OK – maybe not ALWAYS – sometimes it’s pizza. But most of the time, I eat junk because it’s easier, not because it’s what I want. In fact, I’d say that is true about 95% of the time – I’m eating stuff I don’t actually want because I don’t have the energy to shop for and make food I really do want. So, kind of like ignoring the mess because I can’t make things clean enough, I end up turning away from healthy food and just giving up and eating total crap…which is frucking pathetic!
I Want Clean Clothes and a Clean House and a Clean ME
I took a shower yesterday. I had to plan out the whole afternoon, around just taking a shower. I knew that by the time I was done, I wouldn’t be able to do anything else. I made sure kidlet was going to be able to make me something for dinner, and that there was literally NOTHING else I needed to get done for the day.
Yep. OK – so I wrote. There ya go, body – I hear you. My back is screaming loudly, and burning at the same time – my back is a witch being burned at the stake! Ha. Yeah – humor not my strong suit today. However, I am going to attempt to do a load of laundry now, because now I’m pissed that I can’t even do THAT. SO, we’ll see how the rest of the day goes.
If you don’t hear from me, send someone to check the stairwell. I’m probably just sitting there, halfway between the basement and my apartment…staring at my dirty clothes and waiting to die.