I’m sitting down at the end of a crappy day at the end of a really, REALLY crappy week, about to start a blog about how to feel better and have more efficacy in your life. This ought to go well. Having just had a mean body, mean brain week, and getting next to nothing accomplished, the irony is not lost on me.
Irony seems to be my worst enemy of late. I spent most of the morning obsessively looking for data entry jobs that I can do part time from home because we are frucking broke and I need and want MONEY. Honestly, though, being a “web search analyst” for $9 an hour for 20 hours a week would bore me out of my skull.
Last August I took a job at a real company in a real office working about 20 hours a week, doing bookkeeping and data entry. Every day, by the time I left – which was about 5 hours after I got there – I would end my work day sitting in my van crying from pain and frustration only to panic that someone from work would see me sitting in the parking lot crying, so I’d go home and cry, or collapse onto the couch and play dead until the following day.
I lasted two weeks. I was so mortified that I couldn’t keep working that I quit via email and then snuck in over the weekend to get my stuff. I do not recommend quitting a job in this way. Apparently I can be big fat coward when I’m worn down and panic stricken.
Lesson learned: I need to be upfront and honest moving forward, and not try to pretend that I don’t have any challenges. If I ever go to work for someone else again, I’ll need to make sure I address my own limitations and needs – as I should have done in the first place.
So I am starting a blog, and going back to doing work that I truly love, in one form or another. I’m not sure how that will pan out or what it will look like. I’m hoping that writing this blog will help me figure that out. But what will I write about?
I’ve studied hypnosis, NLP, communication and how our brains work for most of my adult life. This isn’t just another self help blog, though. I also want to talk honestly about my own challenges, from physical challenges like fibromyalgia, chronic back and neck issues, and arthritis (those are just the “top three hits”), to mental health issues like depression and anxiety. I used to be unwilling to admit that I had so many challenges but that left me in perpetual panic because I was so afraid someone would find out. I thought it meant that the help I had to offer was tainted by my own failure.
That fear has stopped me until today. Today, I’m writing anyway, despite my fear that I’m a fraud, despite my pain and fatigue…but will it work? Having had a really high pain and mean brain day, can I write an introductory blog post worth reading? I mean, what should that post even look like? What do I say that will make you want to come back and read more???
I Really Wish That I Was Funny
I’m not all that funny (I have my moments, but mostly I’m just funny to me)…so I can’t offer the snarky, lovely, delicious humor that some of the most popular blogs offer (like Jenny Lawson, over at http://thebloggess.com – I absolutely LOVE her, although I don’t like dead animals so I probably will have to say “No” if she ever invites me over to her house. Unlikely, given that she likes people in her space about as much as I do. You should go read her blog if you haven’t already, so you’ll know what I’m talking about, and because her book made me laugh so hard I almost peed my pants).
Anyway – my point is that I’m not funny like she is. At least not consistently. I can offer a lot of good advice and I can offer a decent amount of truly useful information about managing mood and brain and choice, etc. I can give you a safe place to land if you’re having a day when you need to know you are not alone. I can tell you my stories, in hopes that they help you find some comfort…or at least distraction from your own stories.
Is that enough, though? Will that do anyone (including me) any good? Can I monetize it so I can pay my frucking bills? Yep, that’s right – I said “frucking”, because it’s really, really close to what I really WANT to say, but that extra letter makes it ever so slightly ridiculous instead of just angry and that helps me. So, deal with it, it’s not a typo – and use it yourself if you want to.
Also – just for fun – try staying mad while you’re doing a funny walk around your living room or bedroom or down your hallway and saying “fruck, fruck, fruck” over and over again. I’ve found waddling and saying “fruck” like you are quacking like a duck REALLY helps. Let me know how that goes. Only if the funny walk is on purpose, though, and not because you stubbed your toe or something. If you stubbed your toe, DEFINITELY use the other word.
Come back and read some more, please, and feel free to send me an email if you have any questions. Maybe I can be an advice columnist!!! THAT would be fun.